just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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