Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
