Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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