still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
