He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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