I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I wish there were birth control emojis
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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