I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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