It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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