i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
