god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He passed out mid-signature
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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