I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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