my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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