Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I am spending my child support on dildos
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
