I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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