i think my tv is drunk
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
