His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
