Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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