I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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