i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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