we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
