I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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