if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
