i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
