He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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