i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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