heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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