you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
