I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
