ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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