Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize