With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
This is the prime rib incident all over again
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
