I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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