I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
