I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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