SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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