If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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