I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
