Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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