if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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