Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
i believe in u and ur pee
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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