This is not my ceiling
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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