just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
