My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize