ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
