You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Less talking, more tequila
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
