I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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