I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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