My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
