Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
