Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
OPIZZABONMYDICK
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
