i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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