Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
