Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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