suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
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