I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
