I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
