I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
