I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
