I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize