Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
