I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize