Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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