im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
