john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
