Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
