Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
