if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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