My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
