She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
