apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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