Ambien. No doubt about it.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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