Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
