I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
